Fight or Flight? Is It Time For Trans People To Leave?

Trusting Your Intuition In Times Of Trouble

"Intuition is always right in at least two important ways. It is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart." – Anonymous

Timing is everything. For much of my twenties and most of my thirties I was based in Houston and had a large group of friends. There were lots and lots of parties. While I love my friends and enjoy hanging out with them I’ve never been much of an extrovert. At some point in the evening I’d feel “the moment,” a powerful instinct to leave the party.

There were usually a few dozen people at these parties and past experience taught me that it would take at least an hour or more to say goodnight. I took to slipping out the door when no one was looking. The next time I saw a friend who was at the same party I would be admonished for not saying goodnight. I’d apologize and all would be forgiven. Then the person I’d just apologized to would say some version of the following:

“You know, about a half hour after you left things got really weird!”

Then I’d hear a dramatic recounting that consisted of some combination of general craziness, fighting, or cheating. Sometimes it would be something relationship ending for the people involved. There would occasionally be someone in the group so embarrassed, so ashamed of their behavior, that we wouldn’t see them again. Or at least not for a very long time.

My intuition has always served me well when I’ve been humble enough to listen. In the last days of the summer of 2020 I knew it was time to leave Texas and move to Colorado. Specifically Boulder County. I needed to live in a place that was the spiritual opposite of the hell I was leaving. The hatred in Texas for anyone who wasn’t in the MAGA cult was getting to the point of violence. The simple act of wearing a mask in pubic during a global pandemic sparked rage. Strangers would loudly admonish me for “being afraid,” and “falling for a hoax.” No amount of reason would change their minds.

So I left. There was a “last plane out of Saigon” feeling in the air the morning I drove away.

The powerful urge to leave is tempered with the indignation of abandoning the beloved and the familiar, and the reality of how shockingly expensive and complicated it can be to pull up roots and start over in a new place. Colorado is a lot more expensive than Texas, so I make do with less. I’m also immeasurably happier.

In the short period of time that I’ve been in Colorado some of the most dangerous, hateful anti abortion laws have been passed in Texas, along with a host of other cruel laws pointed at transgender Texans. They even tried to make being transgender in Texas a felony! I’m concerned it’s going to get heartbreakingly worse in the U.S. before it gets better.

Even though I’m amazed at the incredible beauty of and access to public lands in Colorado, I still miss the Texas Hill Country. As messy as its beaches are I still long for day trips to Galveston Island, spent combing her antique shops for nostalgic treasures. Nostalgia is all I have left of Texas.

There is often personal loss. I’d rather be in a loving relationship. When my marriage ended true freedom was the consolation prize. Now I only have to worry about my own needs and as a result I’m infinitely more portable. That isn’t true for every transgender person, or for the people that choose to stand by them.

If you’re feeling “the moment” and thinking about leaving the first thing you may ask yourself is “Can I (or we) afford to leave?” What you should be asking yourself is if you can afford to stay. What would the costs to your life be were you to stay where you are currently living? How would it affect your loved ones? In my case I wouldn’t have felt safe socially transitioning in Texas. Transitioning saved me and I can’t imagine going back to the sad shell of a person I was before I started this journey.

What States Are Safe For Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming People?

The answer is ever changing. As of now I would feel comfortable living in any of these states:

East Coast

• Connecticut

• Maryland

• Massachusetts

• New Jersey

• New York

• Rhode Island

• Vermont

Mid-West

• Illinois

• Minnesota

Western States

• Colorado

• New Mexico

West Coast & The Pacific

• California

• Hawai’i

• Oregon

• Washington

Here’s an excellent resource from Erin Reed, a transgender journalist who has been devoting her life to keeping us informed. If you don’t already follow Erin please do. Knowledge is power and Erin has been empowering our community for a long time.

UPDATED: This is the August 2025 map for adults.

UPDATED: Here is the anti-trans legal risks Assessment map for youth:

Here’s a direct link to the maps from Erin’s website.

Reminder! There are anti-LGBTQIA+ cities and towns in every safe state. Another great free resource to vet your potential new home town is City-Data. Had I been aware of that website’s existence before moving to my last Texas city I would have gone elsewhere.

What European Countries Are Safe For Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming People?

Maybe your intuition is telling you that you’d be happier and safer outside the U.S. Here’s a great resource for those of you considering Europe:

And here is the direct link to that resource.

Here are the top five countries in the European Union for transgender and gender non-conforming people in order of safety:

• Malta

• Belgium

• Iceland

• Denmark

• Spain

I was surprised to find France far down on the list at number fifteen, although it is still much safer than the United States.

Mexico

This info comes from a trusted friend:

“I would add that the south of Mexico is generally safe as well. The north, outside of large cities, I would advise avoiding...but the south, due to it's heavily indigenous population has long traditions of 'other genders' (see the Muxe of Oaxaca for an example).”

What Central and South American Countries Are Safe For Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming People?

Although not as complete, here’s the direct link for a resource for South American countries that are currently deemed safe for transgender people. I’ve not found a resource specifically for Central America.

In Central America these are considered the safest countries for transgender and gender non-conforming people.

• Belize

• Costa Rica

Here are the South American countries considered safest for transgender and gender non-conforming people.

• Argentina

• Chile

• Uruguay

Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

I chose to and will continue to choose to trust my intuition. I’m imploring you to trust your own. We all have gut feelings about certain things and they shouldn’t be ignored. If your instincts are telling you to stay and fight, you have my utmost respect. If your intuition is telling you that it’s time to go, then there is no shame in leaving the party. This is your incredible, wild, beautiful life. You should live the best version of it.

Whatever you decide, be safe, be strong, and be well.

Additional Resources

I will update this section as I become aware of other resources.

Trans World Express